Month: May 2021

What is Normal?

Posted on by Bloom

Children of alcoholics often guess at what normal behavior is. This is the first generalization listed on my previous post and is the first one the book Adult Children of Alcoholics by Janet G. Woititz. I resonate with this trait, as growing up it was hard to tell what normal actually is. In her book she says while you probably lived in a chaotic home, on varying scales for every individual, you probably also had a fantasy about what life would be like if only the parent got sober. You probably grew up watching TV shows with families who had problems and solved them by communicating and learning lessons. My shows were Full House and Fresh Prince of Bel Air. They both had weird dynamics, but they were able to communicate to solve issues and still care for each other no matter what. While we know that shows are made up, sometimes what we’re viewing can make us think that’s what families are supposed to be like.

Other children in typical families may not know the feeling of being afraid to talk back or state an opinion on something. For a long time I thought it was pretty normal for silent dinners, arguments over nothing really important, and gauging the atmosphere every night. When I was at a friends house, it was so much more open and loud dinners with laughing and stories I started to question which house was the weird one. As an adult I still struggle with confrontations in relationships because I was often not heard and usually would shut down when confronted with an issue that could probably be worked out easily.

The way to combat guessing what normalcy is, is to realize there is no ‘normal’ or ‘perfect.’ Growing up thinking that the TV shows are the reality of real life people is putting yourself into a fantasy, and is setting yourself up to be disappointed by those around you who cannot live up to that perfect standard. You will have to start figuring out for yourself what feels good for you, trying to communicate to others what your needs are. As you get older you may also question if you are making the right decisions and you should start trusting your gut and what feels good to you. In regards to conflicts, which are inevitable in any type of relationship, try to take note of what your initial reaction is during the confrontation, take a step back and really think about how you feel and what you want to say and get it out into the open. Facing the issue head on and speaking your truth, while difficult, will help you realize more about yourself and the relationships you are in now.

The main takeaway from this, is realizing that there is no normal, and you need to start figuring out how you want your life to be, what you want relationships to look like, and what is comfortable for you. I have been doing this through therapy recently and it has shifted many of my relationships and what I spend my time working on and has helped me put boundaries into place and doing things the way I want to, rather than how others want them to be. Do you resonate with not knowing what normal is? Let me know in the comments. Thanks for being here.

Bloom

A Safe Place to Land

Posted on by Bloom

As I mentioned in the ‘It’s not your fault’ post, you have to survive somehow, and what is imperative to your survival is finding a safe place.  Whether that be a friend or family member, school, church, online communities, books, or a hobby.

This is one of the most important things for anyone growing up in a home with addiction, in my opinion.  It gave me hope when I was younger to know that I had places to go that were not my home, that felt more safe sometimes, peaceful.  When I was very young it was my neighbor’s and we would do crafts together. Another big distraction for me was getting lost in a book.  It is still one of my favorite ways to destress and go somewhere else for a while.

 The most important though was probably my best friend’s house.  Her parents were divorced, so I would be at both of her homes, but her dad was and still is sober to this day, and her mom is an alcoholic and has some mental health issues, so she started living with her dad full time in middle school.  Having someone who understood what I was going through first hand, and also had a dad who was in recovery and had knowledge from AA helped me immensely.  I still had my own mental health issues and substance issues farther down the line, but knowing that I had that as my safe space and was able to talk about what was going on at home, without feeling embarrassed or like I was being judged was so impactful in my childhood. 

My grandmother was also someone who just brought me peace.  Whenever I was feeling down or stressed out, just going to talk to her about anything helped.  She was a person who always believed in me and made me feel like I was smart, I could do anything, she wanted to hear everything I had to say, and that was so special to me. 

I hope that you have a few people in your life that you were, or are able to confide in and feel safe.  If you don’t, there are help lines, groups either in person or online that are more than willing to help you.  I know it feels like you are going through this on your own, but still remember even though it is not openly spoken about out loud, there are so many others going through the same thing.  There are some resources on the Resource page to look at, and you are always welcome to contact the blog.   

Bloom

Personality Traits

Posted on by Bloom

Today’s post is all about the inevitable traits we take on as children of alcoholics and addicts. These are some of the most common traits among adult children of alcoholics, which is also known as the ‘Laundry List.’ I will make a dedicated post to many of these traits more in depth, and share my experience with each of them. Please let me know your thoughts and if you relate to any of them.

  1. We became isolated and afraid of people and authority figures.
  2. We became approval seekers and lost our identity in the process.
  3. We are frightened by angry people and any personal criticism.
  4. We either become alcoholics, marry them or both, or find another compulsive personality such as a workaholic to fulfill our sick abandonment needs.
  5. We live life from the viewpoint of victims and we are attracted by that weakness in our love and friendship relationships.
  6. We have an overdeveloped sense of responsibility and it is easier for us to be concerned with others than ourselves; this enables us not to look too closely at our own faults.
  7. We get guilt feelings when we stand up for ourselves instead of giving in to others.
  8. We became addicted to excitement.
  9. We confuse love and pity and tend to “love” people we can “pity” and “rescue.”
  10. We have “stuffed” our feelings from our traumatic childhoods and have lost the ability to feel or express our feelings because it hurts so much (Denial).
  11. We judge ourselves harshly and have a very low sense of self-esteem.
  12. We are dependent personalities who are terrified of abandonment and will do anything to hold on to a relationship in order not to experience painful abandonment feelings, which we received from living with sick people who were never there emotionally for us.
  13. Alcoholism is a family disease; and we became para-alcoholics and took on the characteristics of that disease even though we did not pick up the drink.
  14. Para-alcoholics are reactors rather than actors.

So, this laundry list is from the Adult Children of Alcoholics World Service Organization, which is part of a 12 step program that to me seems very similar to programs such as Alcoholics Anonymous. While I agree with this list I just want it to be known that I do not follow this program. While I’m sure it’s very beneficial, it was just not something I got into much on my healing journey. I relied on other resources that are on my Resource Page and personally I have not liked the vibe of the 12 step program, it is just not something that has appealed to me personally. If it has helped you I would love to hear so, but one of the reasons for this blog is because I wanted to find different resources.

Another list I am going to refer to is from a great book, “Adult Children of Alcoholics” by Janet Geringer Woititz, who has done so much work in the field and the book is great. This list is more of generalizations she has found through her work and I personally resonate with all of them, so I hope you find this list helpful also.

  1. Adult children of alcoholics guess at what normal behavior is.
  2. They have difficulty following a project through from beginning to end.
  3. They lie when it would be just as easy to tell the truth.
  4. They judge themselves without mercy.
  5. They have difficulty having fun.
  6. They take themselves very seriously.
  7. They have difficulty with intimate relationships.
  8. They over-react to changes over which they have no control.
  9. They constantly seek approval and affirmation.
  10. They feel that they are different from other people.
  11. They are either super responsible or super irresponsible.
  12. They are extremely loyal, even when that loyalty is undeserved.
  13. They are impulsive. The impulsivity leads to loss of control and spend energy cleaning up the mess.

I hope these lists help you understand yourself a little more, and maybe you will be able to reflect on some of them and gain some clarity on why you may behave the way you do. I’m looking forward to going more in depth to these topics and others to help you (and myself) on this journey. Thanks for being here.

Bloom

It’s Not Your Fault

Posted on by Bloom

A common thought among those who grow up in these situations may be ‘they act this way because of me’ or ‘if I were better they wouldn’t behave like this’ You may feel responsible for what is going on inside your home, like it’s your job to fix it, protect it, or keep it a secret. But we’ll touch more on the feeling of responsibility, defensiveness, shame and the loaded “you’re so mature for your age” statement on another day. Right now I want to focus on your role inside the household with the drug or alcohol addicted parent.

Your role is pivotal. Your future literally depends on your role within the household. Your role is to survive. You are a child or young adult in an utterly unfair predicament through no fault of your own and you have to survive somehow. Whether that survival is via friends, family, school, a hobby you have a passion for, or the random words from an aging adult child of an alcoholic on the internet; surviving is your primary role.

In my household, I often felt like if I were better, maybe they wouldn’t feel the need to drink so much. There were also instances where he said he would promise he was going to slow down or stop drinking and when that inevitably didn’t happen, I felt like he did not love me enough to stop. I felt that given the choice between the alcohol and I, he did not hesitate to pick the alcohol every single day. So there was a lot of pressure on myself to act a certain way, and I thought that if I succeeded, things would change. If I could just be quieter, never ask for anything, not be a problem in anyway, then somehow that meant he would not get drunk that night and start yelling.

It took me a long time to realize that his behavior was not a response mine. It was a him thing, and it still is. Does it affect me? Yes. Am I the reason my parent drinks or is an addict? Absolutely not. Even if they have said it to you, do not believe it. This is an issue that they personally deal with, but inevitably it affects the whole family. Realizing that it doesn’t have to do with you, and that it is not your fault will be a big step in the right direction as far as your mindset around these issues go.

You have to start telling yourself ‘this is not my fault. It is not my issue. This is their issue.’ Even if you don’t believe it at first, keep saying it to yourself and eventually you will start to believe that truth, and just that belief will help you heal, slowly. Do not place the blame on yourself. You may be in a bad situation, and even though it is hard, it will not be forever.

Do your self esteem a favor and don’t carry your parents baggage. We will talk more about the negative side effects of growing up feeling responsible for the dysfunctional adults in your life and how to combat those feelings through self care, self preservation and recognizing what things are actually in your control. For now just know that these circumstances are not your fault. Give yourself permission to exist loudly, future you will be grateful.

Bloom