Children of alcoholics often guess at what normal behavior is. This is the first generalization listed on my previous post and is the first one the book Adult Children of Alcoholics by Janet G. Woititz. I resonate with this trait, as growing up it was hard to tell what normal actually is. In her book she says while you probably lived in a chaotic home, on varying scales for every individual, you probably also had a fantasy about what life would be like if only the parent got sober. You probably grew up watching TV shows with families who had problems and solved them by communicating and learning lessons. My shows were Full House and Fresh Prince of Bel Air. They both had weird dynamics, but they were able to communicate to solve issues and still care for each other no matter what. While we know that shows are made up, sometimes what we’re viewing can make us think that’s what families are supposed to be like.
Other children in typical families may not know the feeling of being afraid to talk back or state an opinion on something. For a long time I thought it was pretty normal for silent dinners, arguments over nothing really important, and gauging the atmosphere every night. When I was at a friends house, it was so much more open and loud dinners with laughing and stories I started to question which house was the weird one. As an adult I still struggle with confrontations in relationships because I was often not heard and usually would shut down when confronted with an issue that could probably be worked out easily.
The way to combat guessing what normalcy is, is to realize there is no ‘normal’ or ‘perfect.’ Growing up thinking that the TV shows are the reality of real life people is putting yourself into a fantasy, and is setting yourself up to be disappointed by those around you who cannot live up to that perfect standard. You will have to start figuring out for yourself what feels good for you, trying to communicate to others what your needs are. As you get older you may also question if you are making the right decisions and you should start trusting your gut and what feels good to you. In regards to conflicts, which are inevitable in any type of relationship, try to take note of what your initial reaction is during the confrontation, take a step back and really think about how you feel and what you want to say and get it out into the open. Facing the issue head on and speaking your truth, while difficult, will help you realize more about yourself and the relationships you are in now.
The main takeaway from this, is realizing that there is no normal, and you need to start figuring out how you want your life to be, what you want relationships to look like, and what is comfortable for you. I have been doing this through therapy recently and it has shifted many of my relationships and what I spend my time working on and has helped me put boundaries into place and doing things the way I want to, rather than how others want them to be. Do you resonate with not knowing what normal is? Let me know in the comments. Thanks for being here.
Bloom