Author: Bloom

Following Through on Projects

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It’s ironic that this is #2 on the ACOA book list- Following a project through from beginning to end. It’s ironic because it’s something I’ve been struggling with currently, with this blog! It’s been a few weeks since I’ve published (or written) a post. I was doing great for a few weeks, and things started happening in my personal life where this project took a backseat for a little while. I’ve decided it’s okay that it happened, and am going to continue moving forward without making it a big deal, but it’s definitely been a theme in my life where I will start something, do it for a little while, get stuck somewhere along the line, and either decide that it was stupid for me to even try it in the first place, or make an excuse as to why it can’t be finished. Reasons why that happens for me, is part perfectionism, (which is also a trait of being an ACOA), part self esteem issues, or worrying too much about what others will think about what I’m doing and judging it. I also was recently diagnosed with inattentive ADHD, but we’ll come back to that another time.

In the ACOA book by Janet Woititz, she details how many ACOAs have generally said they feel like they are a procrastinator, have issues organizing outlines for school projects, just can’t seem to get a hold of really figuring out how to complete a project step by step to completion. She says so many people grew up in an environment where many ideas and projects that were said and supposed to get done but often did not get done. This was usually due to the alcoholic saying something was going to happen, “I’m going to clean the garage” and it either never happened or it took so long to get done that the original idea was forgotten in the first place. I can relate to this happening SO much.

There are so many examples I could give. One is that when I was about 10, my parents made me a room in the basement, insulated the walls, drywall work, nice new carpet and cool recessed dim lights. They had help from a friend who did carpentry work, but some of the smaller things my parents did themselves. Most of the lights were put in, but they needed one more light fixture for the light that would have been above my bed. 20 years later, and that light has still not been put in, and probably never will be because, why would they after all this time? And like I said this is just one example of this, but there are countless ones. It makes so much sense that if starting and finishing a project is not modeled to you consistently, how are you supposed to figure it out yourself? Like Janet says in the book, “Lack of knowledge isn’t the same as procrastination.”

To fulfill a project from beginning to end, you need to enact a game plan. You will need to look at if it is manageable, if it is possible to accomplish, and if it isn’t, you may have to revise it until it is. Woititz points out in the book to study your learning style, look back at how you were able to study best when you were in school. You also have to figure out how long realistically a specific project will take, and how to break that down into manageable small bits. This is something you have to practice and shift as time goes on, and the more you practice, the better you will get at it.

As a parent myself, it is also something you have to instill in your children, which is hard when you didn’t learn it yourself. Practicing making a game plan yourself and not getting frustrated as you move through it will help them and you at the same time. Making sure to set guidelines for them, I actually have a friend help me make a schedule for us when I’m having trouble doing it myself because I know it will be important for them to have that instilled in them as they get older.

This blog is my personal project that I want to fulfill from beginning to end, even though there is no real end date to it, I hope to continue and help others in the same situation, and to do that I have to continue to make a game plan, make shifts sometimes, schedule time to write throughout my week and hold myself accountable. Is this something you relate to or have anything to add? Let me know in the comments.

Bloom

What is Normal?

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Children of alcoholics often guess at what normal behavior is. This is the first generalization listed on my previous post and is the first one the book Adult Children of Alcoholics by Janet G. Woititz. I resonate with this trait, as growing up it was hard to tell what normal actually is. In her book she says while you probably lived in a chaotic home, on varying scales for every individual, you probably also had a fantasy about what life would be like if only the parent got sober. You probably grew up watching TV shows with families who had problems and solved them by communicating and learning lessons. My shows were Full House and Fresh Prince of Bel Air. They both had weird dynamics, but they were able to communicate to solve issues and still care for each other no matter what. While we know that shows are made up, sometimes what we’re viewing can make us think that’s what families are supposed to be like.

Other children in typical families may not know the feeling of being afraid to talk back or state an opinion on something. For a long time I thought it was pretty normal for silent dinners, arguments over nothing really important, and gauging the atmosphere every night. When I was at a friends house, it was so much more open and loud dinners with laughing and stories I started to question which house was the weird one. As an adult I still struggle with confrontations in relationships because I was often not heard and usually would shut down when confronted with an issue that could probably be worked out easily.

The way to combat guessing what normalcy is, is to realize there is no ‘normal’ or ‘perfect.’ Growing up thinking that the TV shows are the reality of real life people is putting yourself into a fantasy, and is setting yourself up to be disappointed by those around you who cannot live up to that perfect standard. You will have to start figuring out for yourself what feels good for you, trying to communicate to others what your needs are. As you get older you may also question if you are making the right decisions and you should start trusting your gut and what feels good to you. In regards to conflicts, which are inevitable in any type of relationship, try to take note of what your initial reaction is during the confrontation, take a step back and really think about how you feel and what you want to say and get it out into the open. Facing the issue head on and speaking your truth, while difficult, will help you realize more about yourself and the relationships you are in now.

The main takeaway from this, is realizing that there is no normal, and you need to start figuring out how you want your life to be, what you want relationships to look like, and what is comfortable for you. I have been doing this through therapy recently and it has shifted many of my relationships and what I spend my time working on and has helped me put boundaries into place and doing things the way I want to, rather than how others want them to be. Do you resonate with not knowing what normal is? Let me know in the comments. Thanks for being here.

Bloom

A Safe Place to Land

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As I mentioned in the ‘It’s not your fault’ post, you have to survive somehow, and what is imperative to your survival is finding a safe place.  Whether that be a friend or family member, school, church, online communities, books, or a hobby.

This is one of the most important things for anyone growing up in a home with addiction, in my opinion.  It gave me hope when I was younger to know that I had places to go that were not my home, that felt more safe sometimes, peaceful.  When I was very young it was my neighbor’s and we would do crafts together. Another big distraction for me was getting lost in a book.  It is still one of my favorite ways to destress and go somewhere else for a while.

 The most important though was probably my best friend’s house.  Her parents were divorced, so I would be at both of her homes, but her dad was and still is sober to this day, and her mom is an alcoholic and has some mental health issues, so she started living with her dad full time in middle school.  Having someone who understood what I was going through first hand, and also had a dad who was in recovery and had knowledge from AA helped me immensely.  I still had my own mental health issues and substance issues farther down the line, but knowing that I had that as my safe space and was able to talk about what was going on at home, without feeling embarrassed or like I was being judged was so impactful in my childhood. 

My grandmother was also someone who just brought me peace.  Whenever I was feeling down or stressed out, just going to talk to her about anything helped.  She was a person who always believed in me and made me feel like I was smart, I could do anything, she wanted to hear everything I had to say, and that was so special to me. 

I hope that you have a few people in your life that you were, or are able to confide in and feel safe.  If you don’t, there are help lines, groups either in person or online that are more than willing to help you.  I know it feels like you are going through this on your own, but still remember even though it is not openly spoken about out loud, there are so many others going through the same thing.  There are some resources on the Resource page to look at, and you are always welcome to contact the blog.   

Bloom

Personality Traits

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Today’s post is all about the inevitable traits we take on as children of alcoholics and addicts. These are some of the most common traits among adult children of alcoholics, which is also known as the ‘Laundry List.’ I will make a dedicated post to many of these traits more in depth, and share my experience with each of them. Please let me know your thoughts and if you relate to any of them.

  1. We became isolated and afraid of people and authority figures.
  2. We became approval seekers and lost our identity in the process.
  3. We are frightened by angry people and any personal criticism.
  4. We either become alcoholics, marry them or both, or find another compulsive personality such as a workaholic to fulfill our sick abandonment needs.
  5. We live life from the viewpoint of victims and we are attracted by that weakness in our love and friendship relationships.
  6. We have an overdeveloped sense of responsibility and it is easier for us to be concerned with others than ourselves; this enables us not to look too closely at our own faults.
  7. We get guilt feelings when we stand up for ourselves instead of giving in to others.
  8. We became addicted to excitement.
  9. We confuse love and pity and tend to “love” people we can “pity” and “rescue.”
  10. We have “stuffed” our feelings from our traumatic childhoods and have lost the ability to feel or express our feelings because it hurts so much (Denial).
  11. We judge ourselves harshly and have a very low sense of self-esteem.
  12. We are dependent personalities who are terrified of abandonment and will do anything to hold on to a relationship in order not to experience painful abandonment feelings, which we received from living with sick people who were never there emotionally for us.
  13. Alcoholism is a family disease; and we became para-alcoholics and took on the characteristics of that disease even though we did not pick up the drink.
  14. Para-alcoholics are reactors rather than actors.

So, this laundry list is from the Adult Children of Alcoholics World Service Organization, which is part of a 12 step program that to me seems very similar to programs such as Alcoholics Anonymous. While I agree with this list I just want it to be known that I do not follow this program. While I’m sure it’s very beneficial, it was just not something I got into much on my healing journey. I relied on other resources that are on my Resource Page and personally I have not liked the vibe of the 12 step program, it is just not something that has appealed to me personally. If it has helped you I would love to hear so, but one of the reasons for this blog is because I wanted to find different resources.

Another list I am going to refer to is from a great book, “Adult Children of Alcoholics” by Janet Geringer Woititz, who has done so much work in the field and the book is great. This list is more of generalizations she has found through her work and I personally resonate with all of them, so I hope you find this list helpful also.

  1. Adult children of alcoholics guess at what normal behavior is.
  2. They have difficulty following a project through from beginning to end.
  3. They lie when it would be just as easy to tell the truth.
  4. They judge themselves without mercy.
  5. They have difficulty having fun.
  6. They take themselves very seriously.
  7. They have difficulty with intimate relationships.
  8. They over-react to changes over which they have no control.
  9. They constantly seek approval and affirmation.
  10. They feel that they are different from other people.
  11. They are either super responsible or super irresponsible.
  12. They are extremely loyal, even when that loyalty is undeserved.
  13. They are impulsive. The impulsivity leads to loss of control and spend energy cleaning up the mess.

I hope these lists help you understand yourself a little more, and maybe you will be able to reflect on some of them and gain some clarity on why you may behave the way you do. I’m looking forward to going more in depth to these topics and others to help you (and myself) on this journey. Thanks for being here.

Bloom

It’s Not Your Fault

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A common thought among those who grow up in these situations may be ‘they act this way because of me’ or ‘if I were better they wouldn’t behave like this’ You may feel responsible for what is going on inside your home, like it’s your job to fix it, protect it, or keep it a secret. But we’ll touch more on the feeling of responsibility, defensiveness, shame and the loaded “you’re so mature for your age” statement on another day. Right now I want to focus on your role inside the household with the drug or alcohol addicted parent.

Your role is pivotal. Your future literally depends on your role within the household. Your role is to survive. You are a child or young adult in an utterly unfair predicament through no fault of your own and you have to survive somehow. Whether that survival is via friends, family, school, a hobby you have a passion for, or the random words from an aging adult child of an alcoholic on the internet; surviving is your primary role.

In my household, I often felt like if I were better, maybe they wouldn’t feel the need to drink so much. There were also instances where he said he would promise he was going to slow down or stop drinking and when that inevitably didn’t happen, I felt like he did not love me enough to stop. I felt that given the choice between the alcohol and I, he did not hesitate to pick the alcohol every single day. So there was a lot of pressure on myself to act a certain way, and I thought that if I succeeded, things would change. If I could just be quieter, never ask for anything, not be a problem in anyway, then somehow that meant he would not get drunk that night and start yelling.

It took me a long time to realize that his behavior was not a response mine. It was a him thing, and it still is. Does it affect me? Yes. Am I the reason my parent drinks or is an addict? Absolutely not. Even if they have said it to you, do not believe it. This is an issue that they personally deal with, but inevitably it affects the whole family. Realizing that it doesn’t have to do with you, and that it is not your fault will be a big step in the right direction as far as your mindset around these issues go.

You have to start telling yourself ‘this is not my fault. It is not my issue. This is their issue.’ Even if you don’t believe it at first, keep saying it to yourself and eventually you will start to believe that truth, and just that belief will help you heal, slowly. Do not place the blame on yourself. You may be in a bad situation, and even though it is hard, it will not be forever.

Do your self esteem a favor and don’t carry your parents baggage. We will talk more about the negative side effects of growing up feeling responsible for the dysfunctional adults in your life and how to combat those feelings through self care, self preservation and recognizing what things are actually in your control. For now just know that these circumstances are not your fault. Give yourself permission to exist loudly, future you will be grateful.

Bloom

Is your parent an alcoholic or addict?

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A question you may be asking yourself is, ‘is my parent an alcoholic? Can they or will they stop?’ I want to start at the basics here, because maybe you’re not sure. It can be hard to determine, and while I think it’s important to have that distinguished for yourself, the title alcoholic or addict may not matter much. In my situation, even though I would consider my parent an alcoholic, they have never admitted that to themselves or anyone else as far as I know. I do think it’s important for you to decide if you think they have a problem for your own sake and calling it what it is instead of questioning it.

There are varying degrees to which someone can drink or use drugs, such as socially, when they are at parties or dinner. Binge drinking could mean they may not drink everyday, but when they do they have many drinks quickly to get drunk fast. It becomes an issue when the drinking is uncontrollable and the person is preoccupied with alcohol or drugs. Alcoholism is now known as alcohol use disorder and again it may be hard to gauge what level it is on. Symptoms include a strong urge to use alcohol, having issues controlling how much they drink, and could have withdrawals when decreasing the usage.

In my household, it wasn’t until I was a teenager that I started using the term alcoholic to describe my parent because it really wasn’t a term used in my household, and also my parent did not let alcohol affect work. They always went to work, but as soon as they came home they had a hard drink or two along with beer for the rest of the night. I can’t remember a time that they did not have a drink at night, unless it was during a time where an ultimatum was given, and even then I don’t remember it lasting very long. So in my case my parent would drink every day after work and more on the weekends. If that is the case in your household, then they may be an alcoholic, on a functioning level.

There are others who can’t even work due to that addiction, and there are others who may binge drink only on the weekends. There are so many different ranges and if you search online there are quizzes you can take to help identify if it is an issue in your house. In my house it was rarely talked about openly or discussed with me as a kid, so it was confusing; ‘Is this how it is for everyone?’ ‘Why do they act like that when they drink?’ ‘Why do they feel the need to drink?’ ‘Is it my fault?’ SO many questions that I wanted answers to. There are so many aspects to this and I will be diving in to as many as possible to help get through this time.

Please comment any feedback or questions you have for me,

Until next time.

Bloom

Welcome

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This blog is for anyone who has grown up or is currently growing up with a parent who is abuses drugs or alcohol. I am the daughter of an alcoholic parent, and I know how hard it can be to make sense of the chaotic environment that creates. Growing up, I was constantly unsure of the mood the evening was going to bring, and always felt like I was keeping a secret from the world. I also felt like I had to be responsible at a young age, while also dealing with my own anxiety, depression and substance abuse as I got older. I started my healing journey when I became a mother, because I did not want to continue this cycle of behavior in my family, and since then have learned so much about being an adult daughter of an alcoholic.

Growing up in a family surrounded by addiction affects many aspects of your life; being able to trust others, feeling safe and secure. While almost 45% of Americans deal with substance abuse in their households, I was never able to find good resource that would have equipped me with the knowledge and self awareness that was necessary to navigate that toxic terrain, so that is what I’m here to do. I will be sharing what I have learned and what I wish I would have known then to help anyone that is struggling in this situation right now. I’d like this to be the helpful resource that I never had.

I hope that during this time you may be able to seek therapy, or share with someone close to you what is going on, because you are not alone. I am not a therapist or doctor, just someone who wants to help others and share what I have learned throughout my life on this topic along with my personal experiences. My hope is that young women will find this, follow along, learn and be open to self reflection and realize that this is not your fault, or your responsibility to carry. There is a resource page of books and websites I have found helpful, and there will be an instagram account to follow soon. Have a related topic you’d like me to cover? Head to the contact page and reach me there! Thanks for being here.

Bloom