Tag: alcoholic parent

Personality Traits

Posted on by Bloom

Today’s post is all about the inevitable traits we take on as children of alcoholics and addicts. These are some of the most common traits among adult children of alcoholics, which is also known as the ‘Laundry List.’ I will make a dedicated post to many of these traits more in depth, and share my experience with each of them. Please let me know your thoughts and if you relate to any of them.

  1. We became isolated and afraid of people and authority figures.
  2. We became approval seekers and lost our identity in the process.
  3. We are frightened by angry people and any personal criticism.
  4. We either become alcoholics, marry them or both, or find another compulsive personality such as a workaholic to fulfill our sick abandonment needs.
  5. We live life from the viewpoint of victims and we are attracted by that weakness in our love and friendship relationships.
  6. We have an overdeveloped sense of responsibility and it is easier for us to be concerned with others than ourselves; this enables us not to look too closely at our own faults.
  7. We get guilt feelings when we stand up for ourselves instead of giving in to others.
  8. We became addicted to excitement.
  9. We confuse love and pity and tend to “love” people we can “pity” and “rescue.”
  10. We have “stuffed” our feelings from our traumatic childhoods and have lost the ability to feel or express our feelings because it hurts so much (Denial).
  11. We judge ourselves harshly and have a very low sense of self-esteem.
  12. We are dependent personalities who are terrified of abandonment and will do anything to hold on to a relationship in order not to experience painful abandonment feelings, which we received from living with sick people who were never there emotionally for us.
  13. Alcoholism is a family disease; and we became para-alcoholics and took on the characteristics of that disease even though we did not pick up the drink.
  14. Para-alcoholics are reactors rather than actors.

So, this laundry list is from the Adult Children of Alcoholics World Service Organization, which is part of a 12 step program that to me seems very similar to programs such as Alcoholics Anonymous. While I agree with this list I just want it to be known that I do not follow this program. While I’m sure it’s very beneficial, it was just not something I got into much on my healing journey. I relied on other resources that are on my Resource Page and personally I have not liked the vibe of the 12 step program, it is just not something that has appealed to me personally. If it has helped you I would love to hear so, but one of the reasons for this blog is because I wanted to find different resources.

Another list I am going to refer to is from a great book, “Adult Children of Alcoholics” by Janet Geringer Woititz, who has done so much work in the field and the book is great. This list is more of generalizations she has found through her work and I personally resonate with all of them, so I hope you find this list helpful also.

  1. Adult children of alcoholics guess at what normal behavior is.
  2. They have difficulty following a project through from beginning to end.
  3. They lie when it would be just as easy to tell the truth.
  4. They judge themselves without mercy.
  5. They have difficulty having fun.
  6. They take themselves very seriously.
  7. They have difficulty with intimate relationships.
  8. They over-react to changes over which they have no control.
  9. They constantly seek approval and affirmation.
  10. They feel that they are different from other people.
  11. They are either super responsible or super irresponsible.
  12. They are extremely loyal, even when that loyalty is undeserved.
  13. They are impulsive. The impulsivity leads to loss of control and spend energy cleaning up the mess.

I hope these lists help you understand yourself a little more, and maybe you will be able to reflect on some of them and gain some clarity on why you may behave the way you do. I’m looking forward to going more in depth to these topics and others to help you (and myself) on this journey. Thanks for being here.

Bloom

It’s Not Your Fault

Posted on by Bloom

A common thought among those who grow up in these situations may be ‘they act this way because of me’ or ‘if I were better they wouldn’t behave like this’ You may feel responsible for what is going on inside your home, like it’s your job to fix it, protect it, or keep it a secret. But we’ll touch more on the feeling of responsibility, defensiveness, shame and the loaded “you’re so mature for your age” statement on another day. Right now I want to focus on your role inside the household with the drug or alcohol addicted parent.

Your role is pivotal. Your future literally depends on your role within the household. Your role is to survive. You are a child or young adult in an utterly unfair predicament through no fault of your own and you have to survive somehow. Whether that survival is via friends, family, school, a hobby you have a passion for, or the random words from an aging adult child of an alcoholic on the internet; surviving is your primary role.

In my household, I often felt like if I were better, maybe they wouldn’t feel the need to drink so much. There were also instances where he said he would promise he was going to slow down or stop drinking and when that inevitably didn’t happen, I felt like he did not love me enough to stop. I felt that given the choice between the alcohol and I, he did not hesitate to pick the alcohol every single day. So there was a lot of pressure on myself to act a certain way, and I thought that if I succeeded, things would change. If I could just be quieter, never ask for anything, not be a problem in anyway, then somehow that meant he would not get drunk that night and start yelling.

It took me a long time to realize that his behavior was not a response mine. It was a him thing, and it still is. Does it affect me? Yes. Am I the reason my parent drinks or is an addict? Absolutely not. Even if they have said it to you, do not believe it. This is an issue that they personally deal with, but inevitably it affects the whole family. Realizing that it doesn’t have to do with you, and that it is not your fault will be a big step in the right direction as far as your mindset around these issues go.

You have to start telling yourself ‘this is not my fault. It is not my issue. This is their issue.’ Even if you don’t believe it at first, keep saying it to yourself and eventually you will start to believe that truth, and just that belief will help you heal, slowly. Do not place the blame on yourself. You may be in a bad situation, and even though it is hard, it will not be forever.

Do your self esteem a favor and don’t carry your parents baggage. We will talk more about the negative side effects of growing up feeling responsible for the dysfunctional adults in your life and how to combat those feelings through self care, self preservation and recognizing what things are actually in your control. For now just know that these circumstances are not your fault. Give yourself permission to exist loudly, future you will be grateful.

Bloom

Welcome

Posted on by Bloom

This blog is for anyone who has grown up or is currently growing up with a parent who is abuses drugs or alcohol. I am the daughter of an alcoholic parent, and I know how hard it can be to make sense of the chaotic environment that creates. Growing up, I was constantly unsure of the mood the evening was going to bring, and always felt like I was keeping a secret from the world. I also felt like I had to be responsible at a young age, while also dealing with my own anxiety, depression and substance abuse as I got older. I started my healing journey when I became a mother, because I did not want to continue this cycle of behavior in my family, and since then have learned so much about being an adult daughter of an alcoholic.

Growing up in a family surrounded by addiction affects many aspects of your life; being able to trust others, feeling safe and secure. While almost 45% of Americans deal with substance abuse in their households, I was never able to find good resource that would have equipped me with the knowledge and self awareness that was necessary to navigate that toxic terrain, so that is what I’m here to do. I will be sharing what I have learned and what I wish I would have known then to help anyone that is struggling in this situation right now. I’d like this to be the helpful resource that I never had.

I hope that during this time you may be able to seek therapy, or share with someone close to you what is going on, because you are not alone. I am not a therapist or doctor, just someone who wants to help others and share what I have learned throughout my life on this topic along with my personal experiences. My hope is that young women will find this, follow along, learn and be open to self reflection and realize that this is not your fault, or your responsibility to carry. There is a resource page of books and websites I have found helpful, and there will be an instagram account to follow soon. Have a related topic you’d like me to cover? Head to the contact page and reach me there! Thanks for being here.

Bloom