A common thought among those who grow up in these situations may be ‘they act this way because of me’ or ‘if I were better they wouldn’t behave like this’ You may feel responsible for what is going on inside your home, like it’s your job to fix it, protect it, or keep it a secret. But we’ll touch more on the feeling of responsibility, defensiveness, shame and the loaded “you’re so mature for your age” statement on another day. Right now I want to focus on your role inside the household with the drug or alcohol addicted parent.
Your role is pivotal. Your future literally depends on your role within the household. Your role is to survive. You are a child or young adult in an utterly unfair predicament through no fault of your own and you have to survive somehow. Whether that survival is via friends, family, school, a hobby you have a passion for, or the random words from an aging adult child of an alcoholic on the internet; surviving is your primary role.
In my household, I often felt like if I were better, maybe they wouldn’t feel the need to drink so much. There were also instances where he said he would promise he was going to slow down or stop drinking and when that inevitably didn’t happen, I felt like he did not love me enough to stop. I felt that given the choice between the alcohol and I, he did not hesitate to pick the alcohol every single day. So there was a lot of pressure on myself to act a certain way, and I thought that if I succeeded, things would change. If I could just be quieter, never ask for anything, not be a problem in anyway, then somehow that meant he would not get drunk that night and start yelling.
It took me a long time to realize that his behavior was not a response mine. It was a him thing, and it still is. Does it affect me? Yes. Am I the reason my parent drinks or is an addict? Absolutely not. Even if they have said it to you, do not believe it. This is an issue that they personally deal with, but inevitably it affects the whole family. Realizing that it doesn’t have to do with you, and that it is not your fault will be a big step in the right direction as far as your mindset around these issues go.
You have to start telling yourself ‘this is not my fault. It is not my issue. This is their issue.’ Even if you don’t believe it at first, keep saying it to yourself and eventually you will start to believe that truth, and just that belief will help you heal, slowly. Do not place the blame on yourself. You may be in a bad situation, and even though it is hard, it will not be forever.
Do your self esteem a favor and don’t carry your parents baggage. We will talk more about the negative side effects of growing up feeling responsible for the dysfunctional adults in your life and how to combat those feelings through self care, self preservation and recognizing what things are actually in your control. For now just know that these circumstances are not your fault. Give yourself permission to exist loudly, future you will be grateful.
Bloom