Tag: children of alcoholics

Following Through on Projects

Posted on by Bloom

It’s ironic that this is #2 on the ACOA book list- Following a project through from beginning to end. It’s ironic because it’s something I’ve been struggling with currently, with this blog! It’s been a few weeks since I’ve published (or written) a post. I was doing great for a few weeks, and things started happening in my personal life where this project took a backseat for a little while. I’ve decided it’s okay that it happened, and am going to continue moving forward without making it a big deal, but it’s definitely been a theme in my life where I will start something, do it for a little while, get stuck somewhere along the line, and either decide that it was stupid for me to even try it in the first place, or make an excuse as to why it can’t be finished. Reasons why that happens for me, is part perfectionism, (which is also a trait of being an ACOA), part self esteem issues, or worrying too much about what others will think about what I’m doing and judging it. I also was recently diagnosed with inattentive ADHD, but we’ll come back to that another time.

In the ACOA book by Janet Woititz, she details how many ACOAs have generally said they feel like they are a procrastinator, have issues organizing outlines for school projects, just can’t seem to get a hold of really figuring out how to complete a project step by step to completion. She says so many people grew up in an environment where many ideas and projects that were said and supposed to get done but often did not get done. This was usually due to the alcoholic saying something was going to happen, “I’m going to clean the garage” and it either never happened or it took so long to get done that the original idea was forgotten in the first place. I can relate to this happening SO much.

There are so many examples I could give. One is that when I was about 10, my parents made me a room in the basement, insulated the walls, drywall work, nice new carpet and cool recessed dim lights. They had help from a friend who did carpentry work, but some of the smaller things my parents did themselves. Most of the lights were put in, but they needed one more light fixture for the light that would have been above my bed. 20 years later, and that light has still not been put in, and probably never will be because, why would they after all this time? And like I said this is just one example of this, but there are countless ones. It makes so much sense that if starting and finishing a project is not modeled to you consistently, how are you supposed to figure it out yourself? Like Janet says in the book, “Lack of knowledge isn’t the same as procrastination.”

To fulfill a project from beginning to end, you need to enact a game plan. You will need to look at if it is manageable, if it is possible to accomplish, and if it isn’t, you may have to revise it until it is. Woititz points out in the book to study your learning style, look back at how you were able to study best when you were in school. You also have to figure out how long realistically a specific project will take, and how to break that down into manageable small bits. This is something you have to practice and shift as time goes on, and the more you practice, the better you will get at it.

As a parent myself, it is also something you have to instill in your children, which is hard when you didn’t learn it yourself. Practicing making a game plan yourself and not getting frustrated as you move through it will help them and you at the same time. Making sure to set guidelines for them, I actually have a friend help me make a schedule for us when I’m having trouble doing it myself because I know it will be important for them to have that instilled in them as they get older.

This blog is my personal project that I want to fulfill from beginning to end, even though there is no real end date to it, I hope to continue and help others in the same situation, and to do that I have to continue to make a game plan, make shifts sometimes, schedule time to write throughout my week and hold myself accountable. Is this something you relate to or have anything to add? Let me know in the comments.

Bloom

Personality Traits

Posted on by Bloom

Today’s post is all about the inevitable traits we take on as children of alcoholics and addicts. These are some of the most common traits among adult children of alcoholics, which is also known as the ‘Laundry List.’ I will make a dedicated post to many of these traits more in depth, and share my experience with each of them. Please let me know your thoughts and if you relate to any of them.

  1. We became isolated and afraid of people and authority figures.
  2. We became approval seekers and lost our identity in the process.
  3. We are frightened by angry people and any personal criticism.
  4. We either become alcoholics, marry them or both, or find another compulsive personality such as a workaholic to fulfill our sick abandonment needs.
  5. We live life from the viewpoint of victims and we are attracted by that weakness in our love and friendship relationships.
  6. We have an overdeveloped sense of responsibility and it is easier for us to be concerned with others than ourselves; this enables us not to look too closely at our own faults.
  7. We get guilt feelings when we stand up for ourselves instead of giving in to others.
  8. We became addicted to excitement.
  9. We confuse love and pity and tend to “love” people we can “pity” and “rescue.”
  10. We have “stuffed” our feelings from our traumatic childhoods and have lost the ability to feel or express our feelings because it hurts so much (Denial).
  11. We judge ourselves harshly and have a very low sense of self-esteem.
  12. We are dependent personalities who are terrified of abandonment and will do anything to hold on to a relationship in order not to experience painful abandonment feelings, which we received from living with sick people who were never there emotionally for us.
  13. Alcoholism is a family disease; and we became para-alcoholics and took on the characteristics of that disease even though we did not pick up the drink.
  14. Para-alcoholics are reactors rather than actors.

So, this laundry list is from the Adult Children of Alcoholics World Service Organization, which is part of a 12 step program that to me seems very similar to programs such as Alcoholics Anonymous. While I agree with this list I just want it to be known that I do not follow this program. While I’m sure it’s very beneficial, it was just not something I got into much on my healing journey. I relied on other resources that are on my Resource Page and personally I have not liked the vibe of the 12 step program, it is just not something that has appealed to me personally. If it has helped you I would love to hear so, but one of the reasons for this blog is because I wanted to find different resources.

Another list I am going to refer to is from a great book, “Adult Children of Alcoholics” by Janet Geringer Woititz, who has done so much work in the field and the book is great. This list is more of generalizations she has found through her work and I personally resonate with all of them, so I hope you find this list helpful also.

  1. Adult children of alcoholics guess at what normal behavior is.
  2. They have difficulty following a project through from beginning to end.
  3. They lie when it would be just as easy to tell the truth.
  4. They judge themselves without mercy.
  5. They have difficulty having fun.
  6. They take themselves very seriously.
  7. They have difficulty with intimate relationships.
  8. They over-react to changes over which they have no control.
  9. They constantly seek approval and affirmation.
  10. They feel that they are different from other people.
  11. They are either super responsible or super irresponsible.
  12. They are extremely loyal, even when that loyalty is undeserved.
  13. They are impulsive. The impulsivity leads to loss of control and spend energy cleaning up the mess.

I hope these lists help you understand yourself a little more, and maybe you will be able to reflect on some of them and gain some clarity on why you may behave the way you do. I’m looking forward to going more in depth to these topics and others to help you (and myself) on this journey. Thanks for being here.

Bloom